“Candles represent light in the darkness of life; illumination. When lit in times of death, they signify the light in the next world”
This is the description I read when I recently looked up “meaning of candles” in Google. I have to say it is pretty accurate. For the first year, at least, after Jessica died, I lit a candle on the 2nd day of each month to honor each month as it passed. I am an early riser, so I found myself lighting a candle upon waking and setting it on the coffee table near me and continued on with my morning routine of writing, meditating and reading some inspirational words. I would set the timer on my phone to go off at the exact time that she died on January 2, 2019. Then I would blow the candle out. I continued to do this into the second year.
During the Covid 19 pandemic in 2020 when we were all isolating and my life was even quieter than the previous year, I missed a month. When I realized that the 2nd of the month had come and gone and I had not lit my candle, at first, I was devastated and angry that I had forgotten. Then I reminded myself that I thought of her every day. I thought of her more with happy times, though there were also occasional times that I was angry when I recalled old memories of a time when she and I were not getting along or when we’d had an argument. Those times were troubling when they happened and even more when I relived them. Yet, as time has passed, all of these memories seem sacred to me.
Eventually, I lit a candle more selectively, like a holiday, Mother’s Day or her birthday. I have come to find some grace with myself that this is perhaps all part of the integration of grief into the fullness of my life now. As I write this, Mother’s Day was just a few weeks ago and I lit a candle. Her birthday is next week and I will light one on that day. We also have the joy of celebrating her oldest son this weekend as he graduates from high school. There may not be a candle at the graduation, though her presence will be there as he is surrounded by family and friends. I trust that actually lighting a candle has simply been a physical way for me to keep her close. Moving forward, there is always a quiet way that I carry her light with me.